Captain Falcon's Smash Rumba!
by YaoiSongstress07
Summary: Come one, come all! Check out the action! The suspense! The drama! The cliches! The magic of the Smash fandom is all right here, jam-packed into this amazing morsel! It's a feast for the eyes!
1. Chapter 1

Welcome, dearies, to the Smash Rumba! I thank you for stepping into this dark, gruesome tale. Before you launch yourself into this grand, frightful tale, please heed these warnings. As all of my work does, this adventure features the concept of boy/boy love. If you're uncomfortable with two men loving one another, for whatever reason, then you're free to take your leave.

**_I shall state the warnings again. If you're the least bit allergic to boy/boy love, or the idea of Snake loving a guy, then I will present one last push for you to leave. Please do not leave a review stating your obvious dislike for any of those concepts. I am also not a fan of the 'that's nice, but that character would never act like that, according to Game A' reviews, as a very dear friend of mine attained one-and I fought it rather unfair. If you want what's stated in the game/movie/show, then stop reading fanfiction and go straight to your source of info!_**

**_THANK YOU FOR PAYING ATTENTION!_**

Disclaimer: I own only my dreams. Got it memorized?

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Good morrow, dear kids and children! It is I, the fantastic Captain Douglas Falcon! You may recognize me as the sexiest Smasher in the bunch, or you may know me as the world's sexiest and hottest racer. How can you not know me? I've only been in every Smash season to date, and I race the sexiest car around! Think the Smash Committee's gonna take me out anytime soon? I think not!

Now then, adoring fans. Earlier in the year, I conducted research on Smash stereotypes. Some of you might recognize me as the esteemed author of Smashtypes! I have returned with even more research, to prove just how amazing the Smash fandom really is! Frolic with me, children, as the day blossoms in all of its glory! Together we'll discover the uncharted lands of Smash! Tally ho!

Oh yeah. If you're gonna follow along, you have to know where the action's taking place. I gathered information on the popular settings for Smash fiction, and with that information, I created the most incredible environment for our Smashers! Behold, audience, as I reveal to you-

"The Smash Spot? You've got to be kidding me!"

Zero Suit Samus is, without a doubt, the most gorgeous babe known to mankind. Fan fic authors usually have her stuck with Snake, but she'll forever be my fox-trottin' mama. She's totally hawt when she's annoyed. "We can't stay here! The name of this place sounds like a strip joint!"

"Don't worry about it," the captain of the Star Fox team said. He's not one of the popular Smashers, but he hangs in there. I think he's just a decoration for the Brawl roster. Wolf and Falco are with him, but come on. Who pays attention to any of 'em? The only Smashers anyone ever cares about are Marth, Zelda and Ike! Pit, surprisingly, seems to have fallen out of favor. The babe-a-licious Samus hasn't appeared that often, but whenever she does, she's stuck with either Zelda or Snake.

Hmmm. What interesting developments! My research has changed the way school textbooks change their covers, rendering the previous editions obsolete! The winds of fate didn't allow me to predict the birth of the Zelda/Samus couple, and I never saw Pit's downfall! So much has happened since my first batch of research. Why, I remember the days when I was just a little child. My parents bought me the cutest little toy car, and-

"Nobody would come to a strip joint in the middle of nowhere. It looks like we'd fall into oblivion if we stepped outside."

"The way our lives are going, it's like we're already in oblivion," Samus groaned, slapping a hand to her forehead. "And who's the moron standing next to Snake?"

Solid Snake, the biggest, baddest bad butt in all of history, doesn't have too much of a rep in the Smash fandom-let alone the Metal Gear Solid fandom. My research states that he's commonly depicted as a boring lump in the mud. As a favor to moi, he's playing the part well! "It's the bimbo I was sent to save," he grumbled, rolling his eyes. "After I took down Laughing Stock, I found her sitting in a corner. Says her name is Princess Odette."

Her name was Odette indeed. She was totally, incredibly, inexplicably beautiful-much more beautiful than your dog, your toaster, and your car all put together. Not even the Christmas tree you're going to buy will compare to her beauty! With her pouty lips, sweet sapphire eyes, and an hourglass figure, she stands against all that stand in her way! "Good afternoon, everyone," she said, and the heavens parted. Sunshine poured from the crystal blue ether, accompanied by the most beautiful birdsong imaginable.

"The legendary Solid Snake brought me into your presence. He rescued me from the evil Laughing Stock, who has taken over my home planet. The planet Phados has been drawn into overwhelming darkness, my dear friends, and so I am in distress. I need your powers to save my people!"

While Pikachu, Bowser and Link burst into tears, Prince Marth Lowell of Altea (some would say the Prince of Horseback Riding, but I'll leave that explanation to Ike) turned to Snake. "Aren't you supposed to be gearing up for your next roles?" the blue-haired maiden asked.

Oh crap. Wait a minute. Marth's a babe, but he's not a girl-babe. He's a guy-babe. I live in a babe-a-licious world! Perhaps I should try shacking up with Marth, since Samus is always saddled with either Zelda or Snake. But there might be a problem, since Ike's always shagging Marth.

I know! We could have a foursome! It'll be between me, Marth and Ike! Perfection!

"What roles are you talking about, dumbass?" Snake growled, slumping against the nearest wall. Man, did he look like an amazing bad boy. The cig sticking out of his mouth really brought the picture to life! "I'm not doing anything, other than tapping a few asses and blowin' down a few bases."

"I think he was referring to your roles in the Songstress' tales," Samus put in, glaring at the blindingly beautiful Odette. Birds were dancing around the Princess of Phados, blessed by her extraordinary beauty. "The Songstress sees fit to use Snake as the center of her stories, and in those stories, he isn't the brainless jackhole we have before us. A few other authors see fit to give him a brain, but they aren't too popular in this stupid fandom. AND WHY WON'T THOSE IDIOTS STOP CRYING?!"

Oh no, children! Were Bowser, Pikachu and Link sobbing over the tragic-ness of Odette's beautiful story?! Were they heartbroken over the trauma of her people?! Did they wish to aid the planet Phados?!

"We're just so sad," the King of Koopas whimpered, wiping at his eyes. "Her story was just so boring, we had to cry! Bwaaaheehahoooo!"

"Anybody got any orders for me to fulfill?" Snake asked, taking a few puffs. Man, that candied cigarette must've tasted like gumdrops. "I'm waitin' here, and the great Snake doesn't like to be kept waiting. Tell me to whack a few nutjobs, and I'll get right on it."

"I'll tell you who you can whack," Navi the fairy snarled, flitting and fluttering about in a fluttering frenzy! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right?

Is that even how the saying goes?

"You can whack that hussy of a princess right there! She's stealing my boyfriend!"

Odette, wrapped in heavenly birdsong, stepped forward. Wind built up underneath her, highlighting her amazing glory. "Link has given his heart to me, demon," she said, blessing the Strip Spot with her voice. Lightning rose around her body in ribbons, and in seconds, she was airborne! "I shall not allow you to toy with him any longer! THUNDER FISSURE!"

"FAIRY METEOR!"

And just like that, a meteoric battle began between the hussy and the fairy! Meteors were thrust against bolts of lightning, battle cries pierced the thunderous winds-things really heated up in the Smash Joint! I wish you were around to check out the action!

Tears streaming from his eyes, Link rushed into the fray. "Naaaaaaavi! Don't! Don't do this! Just stop this, right now!"

"NO! I won't stand down! Your love is mine, and that's that! No glittery witch is going to steal you away from me!"

"Naaaaaaavi! I love you! I'll forever love you! Don't do this! You don't have to fight her!"

Falco's face lit up like a casino machine. "Hey! This is the most excitement we've seen in this fandom! Why hasn't anyone written anything about Link and Navi?"

"Because the pairing's just gross, you inexplicable moron!" Samus growled, hands balled into fists. Could she be any sexier? "People are already idiotic enough with the Marth/Ike pairing!"

Fox pointed to the Altean prince. "Speaking of...why's Marth down on one knee?"

"MARTH! THIS PROJECT DOESN'T HAVE AN 'M' RATING!"

"I'm not going to perform the task you think I'm going to perform," the Altean prince said in his own defense, smiling mischievously at Samus. Ike was only a centimeter away from him, so who could blame her for thinking with such a dirty, kinky mind? Man, I wish she'd perform a-

"He's going to perform what samurais call 'hara kiri'," the swordsman of Crimea explained, folding his arms. Samus dropped her foxy wrath and exchanged it with adorable confusion.

"If that's even the right term, doesn't that mean 'suicide'?"

"It most certainly does," Marth replied cheerily, beaming. "If I'm doomed to love Ike, and if Ike's doomed to a life of monotony, then I shall end everything here and now!"

Well, everything kinda ended, but not in the way Marth expected. Everything ended in a flash of light. If you wanna know where the flash of light came from, ask Navi and Odette.

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Dedicated to Violence and Rainbows, who composed a knock-out story about Mary Sues in the Smash fandom. One-time reviewer, long-time friend. XD

Thanks for checking this little ditty out! If you're interested in submitting any type of feedback, make sure you're tolerant of boy/boy yumminess. MAKE SURE YOU'RE TOLERANT OF BOY/BOY LOVE.

Feel free to check out my profile for further attractions. Thanks for stopping by! I hope you enjoyed yourself!


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to the second chapter of 'Rumba'! Your support of this adventure is greatly appreciated! Before you plunge back into this crazy tale, though, please remember something. This adventure, as all of my work does, places heavy emphasis on boy/boy love. If you're the tiniest bit uncomfortable with seeing ANY Smasher in a same-sex relationship (yes, that also applies to Snake), then you're more than welcome to take your leave.

**If you're the tiniest bit uncomfortable with seeing ANY Smasher in a same-sex relationship (yes, that also applies to Snake), then you're more than welcome to take your leave.**

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Dear children, Captain Falcon has returned to grace you with his awe-inspiring, breathtaking presence! The world kinda came to an end when we last met (see Link, Odette and Navi for details), but that hasn't stopped my sexiness! The annihilation of the world doesn't dampen my spirits, for my beauty is immortal! So, as you can tell, I don't really care if we're floating in Subspace! It was about time for me to grace another realm with my radiance anyways!

Ahem ahem. When we last met, we were all blown into oblivion by the most epic battle. The duel between Navi and Odette surpassed the battle between King Henry the Eighth and Sauron! I wish you had been there, because you would agree that their amazing duel put the Dragonball Z battles to shame! Even Goku's jaw would have dropped at the sight of it! And now we are floating aimlessly through Subspace, and I am gracing the desolate darkness with my hot bod!

Samus, none too happy with the situation, folded her arms. "Where in the Hell are we? Looks like we've been blown to the ends of the universe, thanks to Navi and Link's love spat!"

"Don't mock what we share," the Hero of Time said, balling his hands into fists. Tears gushed from his eyes, and pain was engraved in stone upon his face. His heartache was so powerful, it rivaled my unbelivable luminosity! "I love Navi with all of my heart and soul! She's missing and it's all my fault!"

Fox's ears flickered. He looked as if we were merely floating along, riding along a wave in the middle of nowhere.

Wait a minute. We ARE in the middle of nowhere!

"She's missing? Hardly noticed. I have noticed we are standing on air, though. Anyone care to explain how this is possible?"

Zelda stepped forward...on absolutely nothing. Can you imagine how disorienting it is to walk on air? Yeah, I didn't think so. I'll just say it's like walking on air.

"I'll explain everything, dear friends. The power of my Triforce has been combined with Link's Triforce. Together, our Triforces are creating an invincible transportation device. The Goddesses have blessed us with the gift of salvation, enabling us to make our perilous trip through Subspace."

"No they haven't! Our Triforce pieces aren't doing anything, Zelda! You're a liar! A liaaaaaaaar!"

"And you're nothing but a whiny moron," Zelda growled, turning on the Hero of Time with balled fists. Don't ask me why Link would be turned on by Zelda the Lionness, but I guess that's the nature of man. We're animals!

"Who cares if I'm being a fraud?! We're only out here, floating in oblivion because of your idiotic love affair!"

"Don't fret, my pet," the amazingly gorgeous Samus cooed, wrapping her arms around Zelda's waist. "If you want, I'll comfort you. We are meant to be together, after all."

"Excuse me," the unstoppable Solid Snake put in, raising a hand. He's usually a nice guy, but he's playing the 'heartless, cold-blooded Snake' role. The Metal Gear Solid games are so popular, but Snake's a bump on the log in all of them! Don't ask me why they're so popular. Maybe it's because people can blow things up.

"I think we have a bit of a problem. Wasn't I with Samus?"

"According to Falcon's old research, the two of you were a couple," our amazingly useless Pokemon Trainer said, nodding with folded arms. "The two of you were meant to become old killers together, but current trends have changed things."

Rubbing his chin, Snake shared more of his intelligence with a frown. "Doesn't that mean she's technically cheating on me? I mean, we were together at one point-"

"Snake, you're not even supposed to care about being in a relationship!" Samus, being the grand cheetah that she is, snarled. She looked like a spazzed out anime character, exploding at the seams! "You're supposed to be a heartless, cigarette-guzzling sex addict!"

The legendary Liquid Snake shrugged. "Huh. Really? Okay. Let me smack your ass, you-"

"NO DIRTY TALK, YOU DITZ! FALCON SAID CURSING ISN'T ALLOWED, YOU FREAKIN' DAMN IDIOT!"

"Stop cheating on me! DIN'S FIRE!"

"Zelda, WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! HAVE YOU BEEN HYPNOTIZED BY LINK?!"

"I WILL NOT HAVE HYRULE ENDANGERED BECAUSE OF YOUR PROMISCUITY! BEGONE, UNHOLY WRETCH!"

"Wow! Two hot chicks are totally fighting each other!"

"Falcon, what are you doing here?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GUIDING US THROUGH THIS MURKY PIECE OF CRAP!"

"Why, yes, Pokemon Trainer, but haven't you noticed? I'm narrating. That's why the commentary has vanished from view! I'm right in the middle of the action, the suspense!"

"So...if Samus and Zelda are smackin' each other, who does that leave me with?"

"It leaves you with ME, hot stuff," Bowser said, grinning like a pirate with some booty. "I'll be more than happy to give ya what ya need!"

"You'll have to wait a minute, Your Highness," Ike demanded, true to form. Sheesh. He always has to play the role of the conceited, snooty snoot-ball. You think people would put him with Samus, since they both have similiar personalities! Then again, Samus is way hotter than he is.

"It looks like we're approaching the end of oblivion. We'll have to combine our powers if we're to survive this."

A scowl broke out on Fox's face like a plague. Hey! I'm narrating again! And I didn't even know it!

"Survive WHAT, exactly? Where did Odette go?"

"According to my Snake sense," the Snake Senser said, using his magical Solid Eye contraption to pull up information. Why, with the power of his eye contraption, he could do anything! He could become the smartest guy in the universe! What wonders did the Snake Eye hold?!

"Odette's in the middle of nowhere. That's what my Snake senses are saying."

"ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDIN' ME?! WE'RE ALL IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!"

"Samus, calm down. You don't want a heart attack, do you?!"

"Ike, Snake's the one susceptible to heart attacks! Just look at him!"

HACK HACK HACK HACK-

Puff.

"Aaaaah. Smoking is my greatest joy. Aside from killing that is."

HACK HACK HAAAAAAACK-

PUUUUUFFFF.

"Delicious. Can't get any better than this. Gotta love some cigs."

Man alive, Samus is totally hawt when she's pissed. "You can't be serious. Snake, where did you get those things? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE CANDIED CIGARETTES, NOT REAL ONES!"

"Hmm. Lemme see. Think I got 'em from...wait a minute. Why do I have to explain myself to you? I don't have to explain myself to any bimbo. I just-"

"Sheesh! It's no wonder they killed you in Metal Gear Solid 4! You're a total jackhole!"

"For your information, Samus, I didn't die! I go on to live a healthy, meaningless, short life!"

"Your life was meaningless because you spent it all chugging down cigarettes! You didn't do anything but hack your way through the entire MGS series!"

Link turned to Zelda, looking just like a deer caught in headlights. "So is Snake dead?"

"No, but I am," the peasant of Hyrule said, aiming Din's Fire at herself.

_Next time, on 'Rumba'..._

"It is your destiny to perform the Final Summoning. You are the daughter of Yunalesca and Braska, two legends in their own right."

"I won't perform the Final Summoning! I'll find another way to defeat Sin!"

**"THIS ISN'T FINAL FANTASY X, YOU MORONS!"**

"Samus is right! And why am I playing the part of Yuna?"

"Why, my dear Snake, that's easy to explain. You're expendable. You are, after all, nothing but a batch of stolen genes."

**"WHY YOU FILTHY, NO-GOOD BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU!"**Hey. I hardly featured any yaoi or yuri! So much for my little warning! Bwah ha ha ha haaaa!

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